I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
