its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My breasts were aching with rage.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
