oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
