I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
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