one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just want nice things and good sex
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
