Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
