I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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