it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
