I'm laying in your front yard are you home
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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