my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Sober January is a disaster.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
