he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
