I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Pants are for mortals
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
