i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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