paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
