some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
