Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
