im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize