I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
