Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
