I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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