We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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