thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
