May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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