If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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