So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
