dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
