she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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