An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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