I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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