so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
