I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
