I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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