Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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