sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
The Olympian is in my bed
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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