I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My feet surprised me
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