hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
