Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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