Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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