"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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