you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
