I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
