You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm both gender and math confused
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
