You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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