6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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