I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
