This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
