she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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