Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
And then he peed in my hair
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
