My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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