If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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