if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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