I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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