A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
