this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
