I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
