Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
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You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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