Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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