I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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