This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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