i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
